My morning
... with a pathological demand avoidant stepson
My alarm went off at 6:45am. It was dark and cold, and I snoozed until it chimed again at 7. I quickly caught up on the news in bed - John Prescott’s passing dominating the headlines. I crawled out of bed and popped the boys’ light on - medium brightness - as I passed en-route to the bathroom. I conducted my ablutions and then turned on the hallway light, pushed the boys’ light up to 100% and said good morning. No response. I woke my partner C and she groggily got out of bed and started rousing the boys. I went downstairs to get the breakfast things ready.
Stepson 2 (H) came downstairs wrapped in a blanket. C passed his clothes to me and I asked H if he’d like some help dressing. He grumbled indistinctly and rolled up on the sofa inside his blanket like a hedgehog. I left him to it and continued to lay the table.
After another five minutes, I went back to H and he hadn’t budged. I asked him again if he wanted help and got no response. I removed his blanket and left him to get ready. In the meantime, I could hear things were not progressing well upstairs with stepson 1. C was doing her best to encourage him, while he responded with abusive language.
I went outside to de-ice the car and when I returned, H was sat at the breakfast table, fully clothed and tucking in to some cereal. I rewarded him with a Roblox Top Trump card - the boys get one each time they get ready for school without major incident, and he instantly brightened. We had a nice breakfast together talking about the day ahead and the details on this particular card, about a game called Restaurant Tycoon 2. We vowed to try every game in the pack.
While we were enjoying our time together, Stepson 1 arrived into the room, still in pyjamas. He was verbally abusive towards myself and H, and went into the living room to dress. He partially dressed and then went upstairs again. He came down and C continued to encourage him, receiving a steady stream of abuse for her efforts. When finally dressed - 15 minutes late for the school run, he refused any breakfast. He is underweight and knows that restricting food intake is distressing for us.
C asked him to get his coat and shoes on and get in the car. More abuse followed and C finally snapped, telling him that his behaviour was unacceptable and how upset it makes her. Seeing C suffer and crumple, I was incensed. I’d already sucked up my own dose of abuse from him this morning and my restraint ended abruptly. I told him that the way he spoke to other people was completely inappropriate. He refused to look at me and told me that he didn’t care. At that point, while C was sobbing, I said to him ‘You disgust me’. Giving in to my anger and saying that to him felt good, but at the same time I knew I’d overstepped a line and felt guilty. He didn’t respond and was quiet for a moment. I hoped what I had said had sunk in and made him reflect, but I suspect he was merely distracted, likely looking at his brother’s Top Trumps card. As his mum chivied him out of the house, the barrage of abuse resumed. C said goodbye, and suddenly I was alone in the house with my thoughts and feelings.
I felt rage. It’s an hour now since they left, and I’m still feeling it. It is subsiding, but I know it will sit with me, festering for the rest of the day at some level. Writing it down in this way sometimes helps me recover a little. At times, he comes home from school in a much happier frame of mind, and I’ll struggle with the unresolved conflict - trying to be kind, happy and loving, but knowing that it will probably play out the same way again tomorrow morning. I try to tell myself that it’s his neurological condition that’s speaking. He is diagnosed with autism and I’m certain he has the pathological demand avoidant flavour. I know that some refer to it as ‘persistent drive for autonomy’, but I’m angry and hurt and that feels too soft, like a let off or apology for the way he treats us.
Gentle parenting is supposed to be the answer, and I know that an angry response from myself only damages my relationship with him further. We have to live together, so I want the best relationship possible, but he makes it so hard for me to love him and give him what he needs.
He’s seriously depressed and has very little self esteem. His self medicating approach is to hurt others - to make them feel pain, anger and sadness too, which infuriates me as I’ve had a long battle with depression and anxiety too. I was suicidal at 30, and yet my response was to people please - the polar opposite of his response. He’s a different person with different needs, but boy it’s hard to deal with. He is receiving some counselling which I hope can help alleviate these root issues.